Being Mom #2

 DISCLAIMER: Yes.  We are being cautious & taking one visit at a time.  We never expect two visits to be the same.  We are being careful & still trying to remain hopeful that the Lord is doing a good work in this relationship.

For those of you just joining me here on this blog, a little less than two weeks ago my family & I were placed with our first foster child.  Upon his arrival in our home he started to struggle.  He looked confused & scared.  He ate poorly, cried quickly & rarely accepted comfort without putting up a fight first.  But, he has slowly started to warm up to us.  After a few days he even began to smile!!!

A few days after his placement here Baby was scheduled for his first visitation with his mom.  We arrived & after a very rough and gut-wrenching start, she and I were able to talk & even bond over our mutual investment in her son.  We had our second visit with Mom a few days after that & I sit here unsure of how to even begin to process all of this...

I love Baby's mom so much.  Do I believe that Baby needed to be removed from her care?  Absolutely.  But do I believe that she loves her boy more than life itself?  YES.  DOUBLE YES.   

Of course, by law, I cannot share the reason for CPS to step in and out of respect for Baby & mom, I wouldn't share anyway.  But mom has opened up to me, dared to be vulnerable & shared intimate details of her situation.  And again, before anybody warn me to proceed with caution, tell me not to be naive, trust her or care for her (all warning we have already been given, unfortunately) we are being cautious.

We fully believe that Baby will be allowed to return to his mom.  So it is in his best interest for him to be allowed to see her.  He must continue bonding with her if he is to expected to have a smooth transition back home to her.

On the flip side, mom feels that the county already has their mind made up about her & no matter what she does, her son will never return to her care.  My heart aches for her.  During our visits she has thanked us again and again for loving her boy & she asked at one point if we were caring for him now in hopes that we would get to adopt him.  I told her the honest truth: We are caring for him because we want what's best for him.  I told her that she has our support, love & prayers & baby belongs with her.  But, if reunification was not an option, then we'd hope she'd support us adopting him.  And she does.  She and I both agree that no matter which way this case goes, we will always be united by the love we share for this little boy.

Mom says she is happy that her son is now a part of our happy family.  She coo's at him and asks Baby how his brother & doggy are doing.  She snuggles him closely and asks if I'm treating him well.  She'll smile and answer her own question and say that she can tell that he is treated well and so loved by how healthy, happy & handsome he is.

We sit next to each other & pass the baby back and forth between us.  I tell her how life is going in our home & she tells me about her family, her past, the case, the baby's first few months of life & her hopes & dreams for him.  She says if she were to never get her boy back, then this is stuff we'd want & need to know.  

At one point in our second visit, she referred to me as his mom.  I corrected her and said she is his mom.  We agreed on that but settled on the idea that I can be Mom #2.  It was a heavy, awkward & even a little humorous of a conversation.  But, either way, during that conversation, she gave me permission to be his mom.  Of course, I loved him as a son already, but it is a privilege to have her support to love him like that. 

This all may seem strange and believe me, it is!  We believe Baby's removal from his home was necessary.  We believe he should be here with us at least for now.  We also believe his mom and her love for him.  She is brave and strong & heartbroken.  She never planned for her child to have to go through this.

I have never simultaneously felt two opposing emotions at the same time.  I so completely desire the baby to return to his mom, and yet, so completely desire that he never ever have to leave here.  Only time will tell what is to happen to this baby boy & until then we hold him with open hands and open hearts wanting only what the Lord has in store for him.

Until all matters are settled, Baby will be the tiniest member of our family.  He will be violated with too many kisses on his chubby cheeks & forced to cuddle with me at will.  We will visit with his mom two times a week and we will support her in every effort to establish the life they both deserve.  

John John & The Bean

So, we expected to be a licensed foster care family by the end of October. We had made plans.  To make freezer meals.  To take lots of naps.  Buy a few more odds and ends a new arrival might need.  You know, the calm before the storm, type stuff.  We signed our homestudy less than a week after we finished our class. We were a licensed foster care family two hours later. And 12 hours after that we learned of an infant boy in need of a home.  Four hours later, I was picking him up.  So.  Whirlwind. Overwhelming.  Chaos.  Wait, what's happening right now???  

We know very little about our little bean. We know he's struggling to relax and trust us. That much is obvious. We know that every time John moves he must know what's going on. We know he puts up a fight when he's hungry. He can be starving for his next bottle but he will struggle to finally calm down enough to eat. We know he can fart like a champ. And when he does decide he wants to smile it is thee most precious sight EVER. 

Right now, we are in survival mode.  I want so badly to be good at this. I want to be a super-mom, have it all together, look good while doing it, perfect child-raiser.  But unfortunately, I am sitting here with spaghetti stains on my pants from John and spit up scent on my shirt from The Bean and I feel a bit overwhelmed, under slept, and over worked.  

But, this is worth it.  This is God's child.  God loves this Bean more than I ever could and He trusted Matthew and I to care for him.  WHAT A PRIVILEGE AND AN HONOR. I know that eventually we will find a pace that works for us, and we will find a "normal."  I may even be good at being a mama to two.  One day we may even wanna be parents to three!  Who knows!  But for now, we are in survival mode.  And for now, I'm okay with that.