Hello & Goodbye to Duckie

I didn't even have time to tell you.  It happened so quickly.  A little over one week ago we received a call from the foster care placement team. 

"Hi, Mrs. O'Brien. We have a two year old boy here needing a home.  Are you interested?"

We got the details.  We had very little to go on.  They had very little to share. It was his first time being removed from his home.  I was just driving home from a visitation with the Bean & his mom so when I finally arrive back home I blurt out to poor Matthew that we need to bring another baby home.  We only had 30 minutes to decide.  And at minute 29, Matt said to call them and bring this boy home. 

Less than 24 hours later I was at the children's home waiting to meet our newest addition.  When I walked in to the toddler room a woman grabbed my hand and thanked me for taking this babe. She said he'd been crying & whining since the moment he got in.  He was just so sad.  He wouldn't accept comfort from anybody. He had older siblings and missed them like crazy. He was A MESS. But they picked him up & walked him over to me, I smiled & said hello and he all but threw himself in my arms. He stopped whining. He buried his head in my neck & there he stayed for the rest of my time in the toddler room as we completed paperwork and talking details. 

But, before I left, I knelt down to a seven year old boy.  I said hello and he looked over at me and then at his little brother in my arms. 

"Hey buddy, I'm Ashley. I'm gonna take your little brother home with me for awhile. I promise I will take good care of him and I promise you'll see him very soon.  Ok?"

He looked scared & he nodded.

"Ok, if you have any questions or wanna know how your brother is doing just ask the helpers. But, I promise. You are all gonna be okay."

He nodded.

I stood up with the baby in my arms and walked out the door leaving his brother behind.

Baby fell asleep almost as soon as I put him in the car seat. He clung to a photo of him and his brother and snored lightly. So I cried. I cried HARD.  No amount of training can prepare a heart for doing hard things like that. 

When we arrived home, baby Duckie slowly stopped clinging to me and slowly started to warm up to Matthew, John, the Bean & Mo.  Then he discovered the toy box!  He slowly inspected each item inside. Turned it over and over.  Smiled. Looked over at us and would exclaim "LOOK!  LOOK!"

To make an already long story short, poor Duckie really struggled. He constantly needed attention. And not just us looking at a toy, but us cradling, rocking, holding and loving.  Generally, that would be awesome considering John John will barely stop for a high five.  But, we physically were unable to nurture Duckie with two other babies in the house needing diapers, food, etc.  For two days he constantly needed food.  I think he was comfort eating. If we left a room he'd have a panic attack.  His eyes would open wide with fear and he'd FREAK OUT.  By day three he started to settle and trust us.  We could leave a room and rather than freak out, he'd follow. He became my little shadow. He stopped needing to emotional-eat and started to eat and snack on a regular schedule. 

But the other problems with Duckie continued to worsen. He was a sweet boy. But, he also really struggled. We spoke to the case worker at length regarding this sweet boy and agreed it could be months of his issues to be resolved. We spoke about that and wondered if we would be the right place for Duckie. We have two other tiny demanding people in our home. Can we meet his demands?  We wanted to, but could we?  Could he really thrive here?  Can we teach him healthy habits and pour out love on him?  We didn't think we could. We discussed displacement but the guilt was heavy. Displacement?  He's not a product we buy at Target and then return upon breaking. He is a tiny person. With feelings. And trauma. How dare we do this to him.  But, how dare we keep him and expect him to thrive.  We felt the only possible way we could let him go is if he returned home or if a family stepped up and accepted placement of Duckie AND his siblings. We were running on fumes, burnt out & exhausted. But we prayed for a miracle.

The next day Duckie's case worker came to visit him and gave us the news that he was returning home.  HOME.  Where he belongs. With all of his siblings. We were shocked.  In less than 24 hours they would be back to pick him up. We know none of the details of the reasoning behind his return. We only know that they believe he will be safe & loved. The next morning, I packed Duckie's bag.  It was hard to pack his bag. However exhausted we were by his arrival, we still loved him and always will. 

The next morning the caseworkers came back. Duckie held on to my leg and peeked out from behind it at them. He smiled and giggled but he held his grip on me. I finally sat down on the ground and put his backpack on...and then the tears began. He cried. He clung. He BAWLED his eyes out. He cried out "MOM!  MOM!" as he tried to climb as deep into my arms as possible. I told him he was gonna go home.  I told him his siblings would be waiting for him. I told him he was a good boy and I'd miss him. I told him all this with a shaky voice and blurry tear covered eyes. The caseworkers stood there watching with the same blurry eyes and then we simultaneously knew it was time.  They reached for him as I attempted to hand him over. He was pried out of my arms and as they tried to comfort him and love him they left. He cried all the way to their car. I could hear his cries for me and peeked out the window to see his hand stretching out towards our home as if I could reach him and he could be saved.

As soon as they shut the car doors and I heard the engine start I collapsed in a heap of tears. The ugly kind that have you catching your breath. I cried from sadness and love. I cried for joy that he was going HOME. I cried from exhaustion and relief. I cried because I just hadn't had a good cry in a long time.  I hope we never see Duckie again.  Not in the cruel way, but in the way that means I hope they never call us to accept placement for him again. His stay in foster care was short and I hope his family will always love and take care of him so he never has to return.

We spent the rest of the day silently wondering if he was okay.  Being busy with the other two boys kept me distracted, but in the moments of peace & quiet I sadly thought about our Duckie.  John John still plays the games that he and Duckie made up. It makes me smile. They picked up a few good habits from each other and became little buddies that made each other laugh and would even  snuggle together at night.

This was our first goodbye in foster care. It ended well.  It ended with reunification. We couldn't ask for a better ending.