Quick Notes

At some point last week, I don't remember what prompted it, but it felt compelled to write. And yesterday, after a visit with the Bean's case worker I stumbled upon the note again and the words still rang true. Anyway, I thought I'd share my rambling note.  The thoughts are incomplete and nothing about this note screams well thought out or planned. This is a sincere piece that I poured my heart out into & I thought I'd give you a little glimpse into our foster care journey:

The truth is: I live most days with grief already in my heart. The Bean has grown on me. So much so, that he is as much a part of me as John John is. And Little Miss?  Well, the minute I laid eyes on her my heart was taken. With Duckie, I never felt that connection. I wanted to. But it wasn't there. 

With The Bean, I am okay with the unknown. He has been a toss up since day one. We have no idea I he'll stay or if he'll go. Either way, we will rejoice in the outcome. His mama loves him so much. And so do we. Wherever he goes, he's gonna be okay. But the thought of losing him. The thought of saying goodbye. My heart physically aches & even as I write this, tears fall. 

And with Little Miss, when they presented her case to us they led us to believe that she will need a forever home. And for now, that fact still seems to be true. But, it's foster care & things can change in an instant. And in an instant, she could leave. If they take her away, my heart will never be the same. If they take her away, I'm not sure I can rejoice. 

And yet, here we are. Loving two babies who do not belong to us. Here we are, rocking, feeding, cuddling and loving two babies who may not stay. 

We knew going into fostering that we must hold all the children in this home with open hands. We would embrace the present, pray for the future and allow God's will to be done without us fighting Him every step of the way. But, I can't lie. I want to fight. I want to close my hands over these children. I want my fists to be so tightly clenched that my knuckles turn white. I want my way. And my way means they stay. 

I guess that's the way foster care is though. Some babies come home for a short amount of time and then they're gone. Some you connect with and love and some you don't have that connection but you love anyway. Because love is what they really need. Some babies stay forever. And in our babies cases, some babies you have no idea which way the tide will turn. 

So we pray.  We pray honestly what we want. The Lord already knows where our heart is, so there seems no harm in sharing it aloud to Him. But, at the end of the day, we must say "but, Your will be done...and help us to sincerely want only what You have"